god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
