i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
