Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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