I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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