Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
