I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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