I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
