since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
