tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
