ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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