final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
