I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
