And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
