Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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