Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize