I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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