I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
