I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
