You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
