The maid of honor just puked.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
