i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
