I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
