I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Too much gin, very little bucket
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
