I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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