so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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