I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
