I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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