You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
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