Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
