if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
