so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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