so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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