I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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