just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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