I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
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But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
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Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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