also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
