I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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