did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
