At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
