Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
