did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
