Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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