I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
