I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
