A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
