it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
