So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
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when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
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Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize