i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
