Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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