My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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