I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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