Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
